My body was tangled
My stomach in knots
The emotions are mangled
But the memory’s not
As tight as it felt
It soon unraveled
A horrible knot, its release traveled
Throughout my torso, my limbs, my whole
Until the knot settled in my soul
There it stays, holding me tight
Soon I will have to give up the fight
Rather than untangle it all
For who knows?
Perhaps it is holding me together
That knot which made me trip and fall
What really are dreams? I can’t except the pyschology view that is purely random. No, there are far too much reality in my dreams. Sounds like an oxymoron doesn’t it…
They usually are just the memory played over in my sleep. But not anymore, the last few days they have been different.
The other night in my dreams, he came up behind me in the supermarket, grabbed me and picked me up. I tried to get away but he carried me away. I started to scream and everyone else in the aisle just turned away, no one would even look at me.
And then he cornered me in a bathroom stall.
Last night I dreamed I was in DSW, two of my managers were explaining something to me, something about a new snackbar in DSW lol. But in the middle of their explanation he appeared again. I didn’t see him but I knew it was him, behind me with his hands on my waist. I told him to leave go but he didn’t. He grabbed me tighter and then it was all dark. The only thing was screaming.
I’m afraid one night I will find I’m doing the screaming out loud.
But I can’t think about it now. Tomorrow. Right Flan? Tomorrow.
No, not tomorrow because I’ve packed my schedule so tight so as not to have time to think about anything, least of all that. I don’t want to think about all that is going on. Way too much, I’ll think about it tomorrow.
Scarlett OHara reminds me of Madame Bovary….which yes, reminds me of me. And yes Flan, I’m laughing again over what you said. O my…it wouldn’t be quite so funny if it wasnt so true….
O Flan, I know you didn’t mean it. And I wasn’t offended. Yet I laughed so hard because it couldn’t be more true in my mind sometimes.
And then you got to love…
”There is no sleeping around in this house!” “Umm…how would I sleep around in one house anyway?”
Ha.
I do’nt want to go to work tomorrow, I HATE IT! Despise it, loathe it, there aren’t words strong enough to express my emotions lol.
Ugh.
That’s all I can come up with.
Why do we always hurt the people we love? Its a mystery I will never understand. I don’t get it when people do it to me and then I go and do it to others. Why? I’m such an idiot. That’s all I have to say.
You haven’t answered the last three or so emails I’ve written. I’m not mad and I don’t blame you but I tried to think if there was really any point in writing this one. But I must. You have been good enough to tell me several times that I am not too much of a bother and thought I don’t fully believe it, I’m going to take your word for it tonight.
I’ve now been staring at this screen for 5 minutes straight. I don’t know where to begin and goodness knows I’m not one to usually be at a lost for words. Well I hate my job. I had an absolutely horrible day there today. I had 5 hours of classes this morning and then went straight to 8 hours of work where the manager Jo, who I like to call the Deichert of DSW, got mad at me for this monster of a transaction, then after that one, I’m already close to tears when we had this atrocious return….too complicated to explain, but Jo told me I made a mistake and she stared at the 5 gazillion receipts for (no lie) 20 mins trying to figure it out, the customer kept putting in her two cents…I thought I knew what was confusing her but she wouldn’t let me get a word in, called another manager over who looked at it for another 20 mins (it was confusing because there were so many receipts) and concluded that I did nothing wrong! Great! But of course, me, the newbie, can’t be right over the manager
Long story short, I was already in tears on the way home. Got home at 10:45pm, Jord and Julz were still up, screaming bloody murder. No one had put them to bed because my mom and dad were yelling at each other. One point Jord got slapped in the face by my Mom, my Dad told Jenna he was going to kick her…I realize we are all stressed but this is ridiculous. O! They scheduled me for Sunday morning…which of course I had put down as non-available, they did the same thing last week and it was big ordeal….so I have to work that out. When I my dad saw my schedule he got mad because my mom works some of the same times and that means no one is watching Julz and he is trying to fix the house up. So then they got into another fight over my mom’s job and my job. And how I shouldn’t be working so much….like I really want to. I hate it! I hate not having weekends off, its never-ending. At least with Sat. and Sun. off you have something to look forward to. Except for Monday, when I have 8 hrs of classes, I’m working everyday. I don’t think I was made to this, I can’t take it. I come home and shut myself in my room because its almost worse here. For the last few minutes there have been doors slamming, kids crying and the two of them were still going out at while lying next to each other in bed.
I can’t handle it all and then I think of how horrible I am at life and then all I can think of is….. I think I’m going crazy. I don’t think there is a single moment in my day where someone isn’t yelling at me. I have to get out of here. Can’t you take me away? Just for a day! I don’t know what to do anymore. Not that I ever did.
I know a lot of the times I’m overdramatic….but I’m really not trying to be. For the millionth time I apologize for bothering you, I know I keep saying that but I don’t stop so it really doesn’t mean all that much lol.
I did email Kris Schill, she hasn’t answered me back. I don’t know if the email Bekah gave me is one she checks often. But I’ve given up on Bekah, I can’t find anyone else and Lori doesn’t want me. Part of me thinks the sooner I get out of here the better but of course, it will only be one more thing to deal with. And I honestly think moving out in Jan. is ludicrous. Its going to be harder for everyone. Mom won’t have the help, and unfortunately its only going to get worse when Dad leaves for TX. And, I’ll have a much harder time adjusting because I’ll feel I still have a home in NJ…
Ok, my head hurts too much to continue, aren’t you lucky?
Come what may.
Yours,
Jessi
I do love you. Just in case you didn’t know.
I was up late talking to Lindsay again yesterday. We really have some strange conversations….
I’m lonely. In the midst of all that is going on, I’m so very lonely. Busy-ness can make you feel that way. Flan, Lindsay and Annie are the best friends a person could have, could ever ask for but sometimes I feel like I need more.
Am I just talking nonsense? Its not really a physical longing….ok, not entirely a physical longing. I must sound so young and naive! I’m scared once my family leaves I will be so lonely. How many really strong relationships do I have hear? Maybe 2….but maybe none.
I had a lot to write, but suddenly, I don’t want to put it into words. I had so much I wanted to ask Flan today but I bit my tongue. She was tired, she was in pain and she had a lousy day. I was proud of myself, I didn’t contribute to it at all, I even offered to help but for once she wouldn’t let me. That worried me. So now I have all my questions and worry. O Flan, why do I have to love you? It would be easier not to care and worry about anyone. God only knows how I would agonize over my husband.
Roommate. I so need a roommate! I’m trying, I really am. I’ve sent out a general SOS everywhere I can think of. I need someone ASAP because they need to start looking at apartments with me because I realize now my mom is going to help. I think she is hoping I won’t find anything and then I’ll have to go with them. Well I’m not giving her that satisfaction, if this is a test, I will pass. Although I don’t know the first thing about apartment renting….O Lori, why can’t you be my room-mate! You dork! Lol
My mom and Flan keep suggesting Miss Schill. Gag me withe a spork. First, I don’t like the woman, I dn’t think she likes me, she talks about me behind my back and o yeah….SHE WAS MY THIRD GRADE TEACHER! Just a little weird….yeah, I know say it… “But your fifth grade teacher is your best friend”. Yeah, well that was a fluke of destiny, in any other occasion I’m just like everyone else and who wants to room with one of their elementary school teachers?
I’m at a loss. What else can I say?
1. Are you older than 14?
Yes ma’am I am.
2. What do you wish for?
To be loved
3. What are you doing?
Being incredibly bored and self-loathing. O and talking to Lindsay
4. What’s the last thing you realized?
That I’m bored to death….and I can’t stand the sounds of screaming coming from downstairs.
5. Have you ever went to an amusement park?
Yes, several times in fact.
6. What made you smile today?
Nothing really, I haven’t been in that great of a mood today.
7. Are you scared to fall in love?
Yes, terrified.
8. Who’s the lead singer of your favorite band?
Neil Hannon of The Divine Comedy
9. Ever thought you were in love?
No
10. What is your status right now?
Single
11. Did you dream last night?
Yes, and a very weird dream it was.
12. What were you doing this morning at 7 a.m.?
sleeping
14. What were you doing this afternoon at 12 p.m.?
Coming home from church
14.Name a place you want to visit
Salzburg, Austria among many, many, innumerable other places
23. Are you a type of person that can be trusted?
I should up so
24. Last words you spoke?
I do’nt know….I’ve been up in my room for the last few hours.
30. Do you ever lie about your age?
No
31. Type something that is on your mind?
I am bored
32. How many things in the past do you regret?
A few
33. Do you have a best friend?
Well, I think best friend implies mutual feelings so I’ll say I have a great friend!
34. What do you want to be when your 21?
Alive
38. Do you like your life?
Do I know any other?
40. Has one of your friends ever stabbed you in the back and/or lied to you?
Yes
41. Did you forgive them?
No
44. Have you ever skipped school?
Yes, only once though
46. Are you suppose to be doing something else?
No
47. What is your biggest fear?
That people will forget me because I’m not anyone special
48. When do feel at your best?
When I’m with Flan
49. What are you doing tomorrow?
Classes, Flan, more class
50. Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head?
O yes! And sometimes its not a fun thing
51. What do you really want right now?
Peace and stability and my sanity back
52. What are you looking foward to at this point of time?
Seeing Flan tomorrow
53. What’s your favorite food?
I don’t have one, there is so much I don’t eat anymore
54. What are you listening to right now?
Goodbye Lenin soundtrack
56. What’s your pet peeve?
People singing to their ipod off tune….ahem Josh!
57. When’s the last time you have gotten yelled at?
By my parents? Can’t remember, they don’t yell….but they get their point across.
58. Do you text a lot?
No, not really
60. How was your day?
Boring
61. Do you have siblings?
4
62. If you could describe your life in one word what would it be?
Medicore
63. Who do you really want to see right now, that you havent seen in awhile?
Lindsay
64. What’s your favorite state?
Do’nt know
65. Who can you tell anything to?
Flan
67. When was the last time you were sad?
Today
68. Who called you last?
My work
69. What was the last thing you got invited to?
Umm…Lori’s apt
I have to admit that I am still mighty depressed. But not over one thing…its more generalized now lol. Not that it really makes it any better that way. I just want to get out of these situations.
I didn’t go to chior today. I left to go to it….and found myself instead on the bleachers behind BRS with my ipod and Bible. I did read a little but mostly I just sat there for an hour and half…watched the clouds. I didn’t want to go to choir, or home, or to BN my usual place to run-away too. I didn’t want to be with people. I wanted to be alone.
I was trying to run away from myself. I was trying to let myself cry. And I was trying not be found. I only accomlished the last one. Yet that one I didn’t fully want. I wanted you to show up, to come and hold me close, to make me feel better. Because it does help, but it doens’t last forever of course. No human can really make you happy forever, I do understand that. But I wanted you to come all the same. Few and far between are the moments in my life when I would be unhappy to see your face. But you didn’t show up…
Why should you? You probably did your work right after church…still…it was a possibility. Do you not love me? Or does God not love me? I know neither is correct. You both do. Could you guys show it a little more?
No, that’s not the right attitude either. You show it so much and God if he doesn’t show it any other way, shows it through giving me you.
I want Mom-mom and Pop to get better, I don’t want my family to move, I want to go back to my old job, I don’t want Nancy to leave, I want to stop working so much, I want to stop worrying and being so jumpy….I want peace and not quiet, but calm.
I want stablity enough to feel safe with chaos enough to be exciting….
Yeah, that doesn’t happen. Even in fairy tales there is more danger than what is wanted…there is still pain and suffering but at least in fairy tales you are sure of the “They lived happily ever after” Ever after…how long is that?
Ever after. After all the pain, after all the suffering. After this life, I guess we do live happily ever after.
But if that is the case? Really what is the incentive to keep living here? If God wanted us to praise him on this earth why did he make it so difficult to live in. Yes, I know techinically it’s man’s fault we are in this mess but God let him choose….
Free will anyone? Why give me free will God when I can’t make the right choices? If I have to rely on you, why don’t you just dictate what I do? Then I wouldn’t have to worry about it at all….
Why didnt you show up Flan? You could explain it all. You are so very good at that, regardless of what you say. There is no one I can have such intimate conversations with and I am feel honored that you trust me enough to be as open with me as I am with you.
I can hear Lisa…she’s drunk again….o my. Block parties are bad for people. One too many glasses of wine…
I’ll be leaving Lisa too…who I love despite all her drukeness lol
O Flan, O Flan.
So tired….
I just want to rest, a day where I don’t have to do anything. But I’ve determined that is not going to happen anymore. Nope, its all work, work, work, no play. Between school, work and homework I’ve determined I’m working 50 hours a week. Boy am I glad I’m not doing Cubbies this year.
Its only been two weeks and I”m already so sick of coming home at 10 pm and not being awake enough to do anything with the small amount of time I have left. The evenings are my most productive time and they are now taken up with shoes…stupid things. Everyone should just go barefoot lol
I can’t stop singing Flan’s praises at the moment. She is God’s greatest blessing to me. Go ahead and laugh Flan….I can’t think of much that I enjoy more than talking to her. And those times when I can do nothing but cry….I just don’t have words for it. My new fav Divine Comedy is “Mother Dear” and I feel awful admitting it but it makes think of both my “mothers”. The first half of the chorus seems to apply to one, the second two lines to the other…
Mother dear, you can see inside
Mother dear, there is nothing I can hide
Mother dear, did I spoil your plans?
Mother dear, I do the best I can
I am freezing cold. And I traded with someone so I have Caroline tomorrow, I guess that’s ok because I have to read Walden…but I haven’t been in SLPD since I left lol. And I’m jealous of Joanna…but what can you do. Life goes on, the only thing constant is change. There was some quote from Walden I told myself i was going to remember and I alreayd forget it….soemthing about “Change is a miracle”.
Ok, I need to sleep. I can barely function.
Can I just say something….as if anyone on the planet did already know…but, MARCY FLANAGAN, YOU ROCK! Ok…I’m done now. *wink*
Hereeeeees a survey for you!
musical answers
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question.
____________________________________________________
What does next year have in store for me?
Summer 78 (I guess I’m time-traveling)
What’s my love life like?
Setting Out (I hope that means its going to start!)
What do I say when life gets tough
Miracle (That’s what I think I need)
What do u think of on waking up?
Complainte De La Butte (unfortunately I don’t know French, so I don’t know what I’m thinking)
What song will I dance to at my wedding?
Wake Up Call (I hope not! Thats bout finding your love in bed with someone else lol)
What do you want as a career?
The Heather On The Hill (Yeah, I could just wander)
Your favorite saying?
Commuter Love (Yeah, I’ll just walk up to people…”Hey, you know what? Commuter Love!”
Favorite place?
That Night (Umm….I dn’t think that works)
What do you think of your parents?
Maybe this Time (…I’ll be lucky, maybe this time I’ll win….yeah soudns about right)
What’s your Pornstar name?
Mr. Bluesky (Ahhh! I had a sex change!)
Where would you go on a first date?
The Way Back (Ha, yeah, I’d be like “Umm, can you turn the car around, I changed my mind.”
Describe yourself:
Why Don’t You Write Me (umm, yeah I think like that a lot…)
What is the thing i like doing most?
Mary, Mary (that makes no sense, and no I don’t like drinking bloody marys)
The song that best describes my school principal?
A Little Priest (Ha! No, I don’t go to a Catholic school…)
What is my state of mind like at the moment?
The Seven Deadly Virtues (…..I have no idea….)
How will I die?
Eye of the Needle (Can’t guess the meaning of that either)
Ok, yeah I was bored.
