I’m scared of the future. What I’m going to be doing 10 years from now, a few months from now, and even what I will have to trudge through tomorrow. I am so tired of it all. Just plain tired. And sick.
Its all back. The leg sores, the mouth sores, the stomach and chest pain, the headaches, my face feelings flushed randomly, the supposed hemorroids. I know everyone wanted to know that. Who am I kidding? No one reads this anyway, that’s for the best. If I thought tons of people did, I wouldn’t be writing this. My thumb is sore from biting it when my stomach hurts…yeah I know, it doesn’t make a whole lot of scence but I do it anyway.
And I keep telling myself, “It can’t be, it can’t be, it can’t be” Yet every website I bring up….
And Flan got really upset today. She made a stupid mistake, one that didn’t have the best of consequences but one that will be ok. She said, “How in the world did I do that!?!” And I said, “Probably because I’m distracting you. Sorry, I’ll stop talking now” “I was ignoring you anyway.”
I know she was frustrated, and really, I’m not mad at her for saying it, I understand completely. But it just makes me wonder for the umpteenth time if I should just leave her alone. God only knows how many times I’ve tried…and failed. I dn’t know exactly what it is about her….couldn’t really tell you. But I keep coming back.
And I really don’t want to bother her while she is trying to work….I don’t want to be a nuisance, really I don’t but if I don’t stick my head in well, then I’ll loose her. She doesn’t care enough about me to persue it. Dn’t tell me, o Jess but she loves you. Yes she does. But she’s not the kind of person who would run after me, she doens’t need me. I need her.
And she has no time to spare for me, so I grab on to these hour long shots here and there, even if she is working while I talk.
Am I right or wrong in doing that? She is so honest with me in every other area but why do I get the feeling that she isn’t completly truthful when I ask her if I’m bugging her. Is it just me being insecure?
And I think I’m going paraniod…but we are not going to get into that….
I’m so scared of the future…..I hate change.
The only thing constant is change….
