July 27, 2007

The bastard actually said I was being selfish because I was sad about not seeing my grandmother who has cancer….Selfish? What does the asshole know anyway? Why did I even talk to him? He is blocked forever, as he should be. I’m going to forget I even know his name or that I know how to pronounce it since Flan can’t seem to keep it straight lol.

I’m so anger at him. And at myself. And at the way God has chosen things to happen. The surgery didn’t remove all the cancer so now its on to raidition a/o chemo. Aunt Pam broke her good ankle. I stil don’t have a new job for the school year. I feel sick. Dad is still looking for a job. And I even got locked out of bank account…ha

Not that there is any money in there…

I have tickests for Wicked next week. I bought them over a year ago, I’ve been waiting so long to see it and now I do’nt even feel like going. I have no one I want to go with. I don’t have anyone I even want to talk to save one. WHere is she? Running around Spain the lucky duck. I hope she takes pictures of the Sagrada Familia. I didn’t even ask her if she was going to Barcelona…I can’t wait till she comes back, she better tell me everything.

And I hope I get at least one day to help her in her classroom….

Just one day?

July 21, 2007

I want to know everything. Why can’t that not be achieved? I’m not greedy and power hungry…I don’t wish to rule the world….I want the knowledge just to have it. And so I can never make a mistake. If I can’t know everything I want to know every little, miniscule detail in one subject that no one can ever prove me wrong. I want to be Sherlock Holmes and have that superior brain power that could care less about everyday crap but can save the lives of innocent people just by smoking a pipe….o, ok sometimes he used cocaine. But he did it all without really caring, with flippancy. His sense of honor would never let the criminal win but he did not really glory in the saving of the victim. Life was work. I want to be like that, no feelings, just work. Well that’s not true either…he had feelings like when he listened to the music of the violin. Appreciation for art, disdain for its creator.

I want to live like Beatrix Potter. Though I would truely never marry. Buy myself a big English farm and spend the days lying under the trees, gazing at the mountains and streams. I’m a romantic, but yet am not. Appreciation for art, disdain for its creator.

I’m not trying to say I don’t believe in God. I most certainly do. I mean I’m a romantic when it comes to nature, art, beauty, music, sob stories, suffering…but not when it comes to romance. I mean in the shape of a male or female unless its the satisfaction of a strong male being undone for love. Sir Percival Blakeney, Neil MacNeill, John Adams, in a way Sherlock Holmes…..and now the newest addition Snape.

In a different way I admire the old, wise, celibates….ha. Dumbledore and Gandalf. They too died for love. Can they really be so wise and so foolish? What is the point of dyiing for love? How have you helped anyone? You are dead. You can no longer be with the ones you love and vice versa. You have just left them with the burden of grieving for you. It would be better to kill them and take the pain upon yourself. That would be the greater sacrifice.

 I become so confused. At times I really believe that I will never marry. That I want no part in love. Other times I want it desparately.

You are a passionate woman. Is your husband man enough to fill your desires?

Vivez! Like Lisa is….maybe…I can hear her high pitched shreaks through my window. It is 11:30 and she is most assuredly still in the midst of a very drunken pool party….I’m sure that’s not really living. I’ve seen people do it and they are not any more satisfied. Perhaps I do want love, I am just so afraid I will never find it that I pretend I have no intention of seeking it. Self deception? Self protection?

Indiana Jones…that was another one….

Rhett Butler…

The musical version of Jekyll/Hyde

I hate Lisa. When I went skinny dipping I should have screamed at the top of my lungs….no, I took a great risk. I swam naked, completely quiet at midnight…ha

Flan, I wish to see you before you leave. But I have every doubt that it will not happen. You will not remember to write to me, or if by some miracle you do, you will only then realize that you did not think to bring my address. Why do I have so little confidence in you but love you so much? If I did get married is that what it would be like…love but not confidence, trust. Don’t worry Flan I do trust you. But would I treat my husband as someone below me? I couldn’t stand marrying a man who knew less than me….and I would abhor someone who knew more.

I’m retreating again. I’ve turned down about 5 social proposals in the last 2 weeks or so. I didn’t go to fireworks with Lindsay, or to HP movie, or to the HP book. If Rebekah proposes we should do something this week I think I shall scream. The former three…why? Did I really not want to go out, or did I not want to be with Lindsay….I like Lindsay a lot. Otherwise I wouldn’t have told her such things as I have. But…its like on that history channel special about Star Wars. The mentor has to leave if we are ever to learn how to do it on our one. Qui-Gon died, Obi-Wan died, Yoda died. My mentor hasn’t died and I cannot let her go of my own accord and its probably killing me. But to leave go, I’m afraid would kill me more. I don’t want to hear what Lindsay says not because I dn’t think its great and true advice but because its not coming from Flan. Does that make any sense?

……I think I’m going to stop now and listen to Lisa….I can hear their conversations all the way across the street, they must be very drunk.

July 14, 2007

69 Questions1. Are you in a relationship?
No, should I be?

2. Do you know more than 3 people?
Yes but I don’t like more than 3 people.

3. How many houses have you lived in?
Well this is the second house, I have also lived in an apartment.4. What is your favorite candy bar?
I dn’t know…I love Twix, Snickers, and 100 Grand

5. What are your favorite shoes?
My red jellies! I am so retro 90s

6 Have you ever tripped someone?
I don’t believe so

7. What was your least favorite subject this year?
Design 101

8. What was your favorite subject this year?
Well I loved the subject of English Lit. but the class itself was boring.

9. Do you own a Britney Spears CD?
Nope.

10. Have you ever thrown up in public?
Not that I can ever remember….

11. Name something that’s always on your mind.
One particular person…

12. What is your favorite music genre?
I don’t know, I listen to a lot of random things.

13. What is your zodiac sign?
Gemini
14. What time were you born?
12:03

15. Do you like beer?
No, I’ve only ever had Odull’s

16. Have you ever made a prank call?
Yes I have.

17. What is the most embarrassing CD you own?
I seriously don’t think I have one…ummm….nope I’m good.

18. Are you sarcastic?
Very19. What are your favorite colors?
Pink, and a deep burgendy

20. How many watches do you own?
Three but one doesn’t work and never wear any of them.

21. Summer or Winter?
summer

22. Spring or fall?
Probably spring but I love both, much better than Summer and Winter

23. What is your favorite color to wear?
I think pink…

24. Pepsi or Sprite?
I don’t drink soda.

25. What color is your cell phone?
Silver

27. Have you ever slapped someone?
I don’t think so, but I have been slapped.

28. Have you ever had a cavity?
That would be a no.

29. How many lamps are in your bedroom?
None, just one fan

30. How many video games do you own?
Personally, like two but my brother has a lot.

31. What was your first pet?
Jewel, a dog

32. Have you ever had braces?
Yeah for about 5 years…

33. Do looks matter?
To an certain point

34. Do you use lipstick or lipgloss?
Lipgloss

35. Name 3 teachers from your school?
Prof Wert, Prof Diaco, Prof Donahue

36. American Eagle or abercrombie?
Neither

37. Whats your favorite place on Earth?
I have three. Flan’s classroom, the pond in Indiana, and Ocean City

38. How many children do you want?
None

39. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
Yes a few things. An Aragon Shirt, a POTC shirt, a Snow White shirt…

40. What is your favorite breakfast?
Donuts lol

41. Do you own a gun?
No but I know where to get one…lol

42. Have you ever thought u were in love?
No, and I doubt I ever will be.
43. When was the last time you cried?
I feel like crying now…but I really don’t know. Within the week.

44. what did you do 3 nights ago?
Wed night…I think I was just chillin

45. When was the last time you went to Olive Garden?
Don’t know

46. Have you ever called your teacher mom?
Ha, I’ve been mistaken for my fifth grade teacher’s daughter and she is basically my mom…

47. Have you ever been in a castle?
No
49. Do you know anyone named Bertha?
Nope

50. Have you ever been to Kentucky?
No

51. What’s your favorite sport?
Horse back riding
52. Are you thinking about somebody right now?
Yeah I’m thinking about how annoying the person I am with is…53. Have you ever called someone Boo?
No

54. Do you smoke?
No
55. What’s your favorite candy?
Didn’t you ask that already?

55. Do you own a diamond ring?
Yes, diamonds and rubies

56. Are you happy with your life right now?
Only in some areas.
57. Do you dye your hair?
Only highlights

59. Were you born in the 90’s?
No, in the 80s
60. What were you doing May of 1994?
Umm…I was finishing up Kindergarten

61. Do you own a backstreet boys cd?
No

62. McDonalds or Wendy’s?
Neither

63. Do you like yourself?
No, not particulary

64. Are you closer to your mother or father?
My mom, but I’m closer to Flan than her sadly

65. Favorite features of the opposite sex?
Expressive eyes and a foreign accent.

66. Are you afraid of the dark?
No

67. Have you ever eaten paste?
No

68. Do you have a webcam?
nope

69. Have you ever stripped?
Not as a form of entertainment….

Why can’t life be like the movies? July 1, 2007

I don’t know what I expected. Maybe that somehow being in such close proximity rays would emit from my being and you, being touched by me would finally come to the realization that I needed you, I was calling from my soul. I’ve been watching too many Christy episodes. All of the sudden Alice realizes Margaret has left, she just knows….a few minutes later Christy seems to get this ESP message that Alice needs her….she runs to wear Alice is crying. Somehow she knows the exact place. Alice looks up at her, they don’t speak….Alice just clutches Christy’s arm and crys her heart out. Yeah, somehow I was picturing it like that.

Of course that is totally unrealistic, and I knew that so I sent you a text message. But that should have been enough…ha, who am I kidding? Myself.

I’d be embarressed if you were to find out that I sat on that bench for 2 and a half hours. Never moved, just sat there. Watching every car that pulled in, waiting for yours. Of course if I was being realistic you could have walked over…

The weather was as confused as my feelings. One minute the sun would shine down on me and my jean covered legs would burn. I was afraid my face was being fried. Then the next the sun would disappear, the wind would blow and I would be doused with water from the fountain in the middle of the pond, shivering….sitting there thinking any second you would come up behind me. Or my phone would ring, I would pull it up casually and say in sad voice “Privyet?”

I watch too many damn movies.

When I lost all hope of you materalizing, or even answering my phone call before my legs fell asleep completely I started to plan out what I would say when you did finally call. You see I work till 4 tomorrow but I could meet you at the park or Barnes and Nobles at 4:30. If you weren’t too busy. I wouldn’t want you to think that I asked you to come just to complain so I would ask you when you were leaving for vacation, etc.

I really didn’t want to see you just to complain anyway, I just wanted to see you.

We were going to sit on that bench together, swinging our legs. If mine don’t touch the grounds, I know yours won’t…we were going to watch the pond ripple, the sun shining on it, the geese floating around. It was so picturesque, there were kites flying, every now and then a child would lose a balloon and I’d watch it go sailing. Old couples were sitting on benches together. I even had my ipod so in my head I even had the background music.

I wasn’t going to tell you anything, I didn’t want to think of it all anymore anyway. I just wanted to sit there with you. Resting my head against your shoulder like a little girl with her dad. If the little girl’s dad lets her do such things.

But I called you at 1.30, now its 10.30 and I have given up even the possiblity of you answering back at all. Why won’t you play your part as I have scripted?