Dreams June 17, 2007

I just had to get out of the house. No one was helping, Ilana is in Florida and since its Father’s Day….people are actually spending time with their fathers…imagine that.

Your screen name was on, as it has been constantly all of the sudden. The only time it was ever on before was when you were at work. But now it is on at all hours of the day and night. I surmise that you finally bought the laptop you’ve been talking about and since its not used by anyone else, you can leave your sn on….

But as I said, I had to get out of the house. So I went to B&N via Bethel. I knew you werent there…I did. But somehow I just wished that your sn being on meant you were doing some last minute cleanup before Camp Explorer took over…but of course you were not.

Before they kicked me out of B&N, I realized what I want to do with my life. Of course, its not probable….but still, its a dream.

I want my own library, I spent a long time in there looking all these wonderful books I wanted to read, all nonfiction of course, just thinking of all the knowledge I could store up. History! But I have no money. Screw clothes and shoes, if I had Mr. Cook as my dad I’d be buying books lol.

But a library, a mass collection of historical data housed in my own home. Big or small, doesn’t matter as long as it has old world charm and plenty of land. I want to be able to look out my windows and not see a single thing suggesting other human life…and I want a horse. Maybe a goat or two…they were awfully cute. But definetly no sheep….

A small creek, a dirt path that winds up to the door. A house with history and security and solitude. That I could come home to…but could leave to travel. If I had a house in the city, or a huge historical castle I might become so complacent or be so tied up in it that i would never leave. I want someplace I can leave, but must come back to.

A library, a house with old world charm and a horse. (and my fiddlers three…but that’s not important)

You are welcome to come and visit. Only visitors are going to be my “old” friends. We will sit by the fireplace in huge leather chairs….its a shame neither of us smoke a pipe…perhaps I’ll become a beekeeper and you can be my Watson lol. Except I don’t care for bees…

Horses will have to suffice.

Unsent Letter June 17, 2007

God did not equip me for change. But since life is a continuous flow of changes, sometimes I wonder if God equipped me for life….Or was I supposed to figure it out myself…did I miss that lesson while scrambling after straight A’s? We are not as smart as we think we are.

Freshman and sophmore year of highschool I had one hell of a time. You told me over and over that if I would just wait it out, it would get better. Of course I didn’t believe you, I didn’t think how I could ever survive. But I did, and what do you know, it got better. Junior and Senior year were fine, even Freshman year of college was good.

But now things are moving downhill again. And I know you will tell me the same thing you told me before and even though this time I know that you are right, it doesn’t really make it any easier to get through. I’ve mourned childhood often enough, now I am just mourning stability.

I do not want to make the decision about a new job. I do not want to make the decision about whether or not to go to Indiana. I do not want to make the decision about what will happen if my family moves to Texas, or Indiana, or someplace, somwhere. I do not want to think about trying to live on my own, trying to support myself. I never want to get an apartment with Rebekah. I don’t want the Cooks to move. I don’t want any of my friends to get married. I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to think of a life without someone to love and hold. I don’t want my grandparents to die. I don’t want to decide on a major. I don’t want to quit chior. I don’t want to keep singign in chior. I don’t want to go to the doctor and learn what the constant pain in my chest is. I don’t want to tell my parents anything. I don’t want to have to say “I love you” to anyone, its meaningless. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to stay home. I don’t want to go out with friends. I don’t want to live how I’ve been living. I don’t want to change.

I want to travel. I want to leave this house but always stay home. I want to never look back but always have security. I want to be carefree but I need strict guidelines to follow. I want to publish something but I don’t want rejection. I want to be intelligent but not a smarty-pants, but I still want people to know what I know. Not for the joy of them learning but for the joy that I know I know more. I want to finish all the projects I’ve started but I don’t feel like finshing them. I want to stop crying. I don’t ever want to grow up. I want to be old enough to do whatever I want. I want the confidence to do anything I want. I want to need people. I want people to need me. I want people to stop telling me all their issues. I want a new job. I want to keep my old friends.

I don’t want to lose you, ever. That is one thing I am sure of. I am more sure of that fact than life itself for I don’t know if I want to live, I don’t know if I want to die.

Ambivalence, but I really do care.

I want to be back in fifth grade, with you yelling at me for talking to Emily during science. Doing stupid experiments. Organizing the library. Playing computer games. Reading Sherlock Holmes. Watching Chariots of Fire. Debating Theology. Stapling dresses back together. Missing out on Friendly’s. Stealing your chair. Playing the spy game and buzz. Changing the calendar. Doing Friday folders. Teasing you. Laughing with you. And yes, even crying. Crying when I forgot my homework. When Julianne wouldn’t let me in the “bible club”. When you gave me a “F” as a joke….

Or later when it was over Melissa, Sarah, My mother, highschool, Yoni….

I could always call you and cry. I mean, even when I was crying because I made you cry we still cried together about it over the phone.

But something has happened in the past view years, and I can’t explain it other than change. And I can’t call you anymore. I can’t cry to you anymore. You say I don’t need you anymore but I do. You are still the only one I’ve ever let see me cry tears of sadness. There’s a few that have seen tears of anger, why that happens I dn’t know but it really pisses me off. But I don’t trust anyone with my tears but you. Keep them secret, keep them safe.

Though I will not send this to you, and you will not read it….Call me.