Thirsty for Knowledge (But Not School) May 29, 2007

Why am I taking this summer class? Its such a joke! I am bored out of my mind. I will do everything I am supposed to, I am, unfortunately, too good of a girl not to but it annoys me so much that she is making is so easy to disregard the entire syllabus. She is not only summarizing (in complete, minute, ridiculous detail) the whole book but even showing a movie. Does she think anyone is really reading it? Why doesn’t she just make class a tri-weekly reading hour and save me the money of buying the books….ARGH! My quiz…yeah I got a 117 on it…that’s just pathetic. Can I teach the class since she’s not doing anything? My mother says I should try to be humble…I think I am being. I’m smarter than them, that’s not pride, that’s a fact. I didn’t say I was better than them. They are probably greater than me in many other areas. Socially for instance…I lack people skils.

Well that’s not entirely true, I can manipulate people and make them feel great and get along with them quite easily but for the most part I can’t stand them, perhaps because they are so easy to manipulate….they care about so little and what they do care for, themselves….they care obsessively.

So I just took a free online medical diagnosis, it correctly diagnosised my as having Raynaud’s syndrome and some form of IBS/Crohns/Ulcerative Colitis….but also noted that I might have Gallstones, Depression, Anxiety, and some other strange blood disorder lol….well that’s nice.

It did diagnosis the scoliosis…whatever.

I’m reading the Oxford History of the French Revolution and I am tired of being laughed at for it…why is it such an absurd concept to what to learn just to learn. Everyone else around here wants to act like know it alls when they don’t have the initiative to even pick up a book. Or listen to a teacher spoon feed them. Ok, so even if you hadn’t read the Odyssey like you were supposed to, you’ve been sitting in a class for 2 plus hours three days a week listening to this teacher spout off the whole story (saying “alright?” after every sentence, its maddening) so is there really any excuse for getting up there and pronouncing Odysseus wrong….then to spell it wrong….then to say he spared a servant named “Minstrel”. Hello! Minstrel is not a name! And then to write as a sample essay question, “How did Penelope test “Oddyseus”?” Umm…lets see, well, the account in the book is about 5 sentences…that 1 sentence for each paragraph of the essay….

HELLO! That’s a short answer/plot point question, not an essay question….jeez.

You know, I have had a lot of classes with stupid people but I wouldn’t be harping on it so much except that I am completely bored, I have read all of this books before and went into more depth about them in freshman year of highschool, it is taking up three nights of my week and I had to pay for it!!

Ridiculous.

Ok, I think that’s the end of my rant.

Q&A May 24, 2007

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?

No I have not

2. Do you have any weird sleeping habits?

Umm…I have about 15 pillows on my bed….is that weird?

3. Whens the last time you swam in a lake?

About two years ago at my uncle’s, I didn’t go in last year, its just too dirty.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?

Usually alone but would have to depend on who the other person was lol

5. Where is the Wizard of Oz?

Beyond the rainbow of course

6. Do you consider yourself creative?

Sometimes, I have to be in the right mood.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?

Perhaps not personally, but yes in one way or another.

8. Christina Aguilera or Britney Spears?

They are both disgusting. But Britney is the better singer vocally.

9. Do you stay friends with your exes?

I don’t have any exes.

10. Do you know how to play poker?

Nope

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?

Nope

12. What’s your favorite commercial?

I love that commercial where one person does something good, another person that is watching takes note then does something good for someone else and so on until its a big circle and comes back to the first person. Its so cute.

13. What type of food do you eat the most?

Broccoli, Spinach and Cheese….fascinating I know.

14.When was the last time you had a lot of fun?

Tuesday night….over Kelly’s.

15. Have you ever had a Choco Taco?

Nope.

16. Who Do You Think Is Better, The Boston Red Sox or the New York Yankees?

I could care less.

17. What kind of underwear do you have on?

Victoria Secrets, pink and silky!

18. How often do you forget your dreams?

I usually am very good at remembering them. I have some weird ones.
19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?

I don’t think I’ve ever done that.

20. Can you name 5 songs by N’SYNC?

No. Never was really into them. I know “Bye, Bye, Bye” “Celebrity” “Pop” “No Strings Attached” argh that’s four….I don’t know

21. What’s the one thing on your mind right now?

Worrying about the puppet show tomorrow.

22. Been pierced or tattooed?

Only my ear lobes twice…I do want to get a tatoo

23. Do you put salt on a turkey dinner?

I’m a vegetarian so I wouldn’t be eating the turkey to begin with.

24. Do you always wear your seat belt?

The vast majority of the time.

25. What cell service do you use?

Cingular

26. Do you like bananas?

Yes

27. Have you almost gotten in a car accident?

I have been in one, two actually.

28. What do you wear to bed?

A tank top and shorts

29. Been caught stealing?

Nope because I have never stolen anything.

30. Do you know how to play pool?

Only a little

31. Can you play pool well?

Absolutely not

32. Do you truly love anyone?

Yes, my surrogate parents…and my family of course, though I don’t always like them lol

33. Bluegrass or rap?

Why do you keep wanting me to choose between two horrible things?

34. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?

Hmm…The Scarlet Pimpernel! Yeah, he’s fictional, so what.

35. Skim, 1%, 2%, or whole?

1%

36. What food do you find disgusting?

Seafood.

37. Windows or Macintosh?

Windows

38. Did you ever play, “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours”?

Only with underwear lol.

39. Been caught having a sexual act?

Nope.

40. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?

I don’t really know…can’t recall.

41. Have you ever sung in front of the mirror?

Yes and I still do, all the time.

I hate writing when I only do it when I’m sad. May 21, 2007

I’m having fun with my life, so as of yet have no need to write here. Lol, its great.

What to do with life. May 16, 2007

I do have good friends, in fact I have wonderful friends. That’s the main issue, my friends are so wonderful that a lot of other people like them and they don’t have a mulititude of time to spend with me. I do not have that issue, I’m so picky and selective with relationships that I have a few good friends…not enough to always have one on call at any point when I’m bored.

And I’m bored.

Tomorrow I don’t work, I would if I could but Mrs. C hasn’t gotten around the fixing my scheldule and I doubt she’ll give me more hours anyway. Perhaps I should find a second job.  Or some friends.

So I have absolutely nothing on the scheldule for tomorrow and I cannot stand the thought of sitting here vegetating. Why must I have so much to do in one space of concentrated time and then be left restless for the whole summer. Perhaps that is why I took this summer course that starts next week, but its only 5 weeks, what do I do the rest of the summer?

Work.

Which is something to do but gets monotonous after a while. If it hasn’t gotten monotonous by the sheer fact that I’ve been there for like 6 years.

I want to do fun things this summer. But I don’t want to do them alone and its so hard to find someone free, especially when you come up spontaneously with crazy ideas. And ten to one since all my friends work at the same place I do, the chances that we have the same day off is slim.

So here I am lamenting…

Perhaps I go into Collingswood or Haddonfield tomorrow, look into some of the antique shops, yeah, I could do that…couldn’t I?

If I could parrallel park lol.

Come on Jessi, take a chance!

Well, I’d prefer it not to be with my car…

Post-dramatic stress May 5, 2007

I am restless. After two months of high energy levels, I am lost. I do not want to be inside sitting here as I am now. I want to be out doing something, not shopping…but running through fields, horseback riding, I don’t know something exiciting. Instead I am wondering aimlessly. Please give me something to do to use my talents….my brain is wasting away…its like summer….Its not that I have nothing to do, I just want nothing to do with what I have to do. I have a research paper to write but it is an entirely unappealing topic and the profressor is a jerk.

So what have I done all day? Well I vegetated in my bed until 10…got my haircut (which cost money, more money than snipping a few dead cells should), ate lunch (totally unappetizing soup. Who wants to eat soup when its 80 degrees outside? People who can’t seem to eat anythign else….curse you o body of mine), went to the thrift store to try to find clothes worthy of making a Flicker costume for SLPD. Something to stir my creative juices, to give me something to do. But no luck. I did buy three streisand records I did not already possess but I believe I bought them more to assure myself that the trip was not a total waste of time…therfore a waste of money…., then I ate dinner….I’ve eaten a lot today, more sweets than I should.

I read a little and then finished up the research for my paper, the only productive thing I did all day but I cannot get myself to sit down and start writing it, there is always tomorrow….but I realized that I do not have a reference from a news magazine, which is totally ridiculous because I probably have more references than anyone else but just not one for one of three approved magazines, so I went up to B&N and Borders to look, of course I’m not lucky enough that any of the three would have published something on a child’s need of physical activity in school…

I had some moments of pleasure when I came across a book of essays debating whether Snape is a friend or foe….and I lost myself in the arguements for his innocence for about 45 minutes. And here I am again, draining away life forces…

The one object that has mantained my interest today is imagining a Victorian Tea for my 19th birthday. It is strange that I should come to want birthday parties at the age where most people are forsaking them…but now is the time when I feel that I actually have people I wish to share the occassion with. Of course, go figure, I’m not in a position to call up any of them now and make them do something with me…that’s the issue of having friends twice or triple your age. And of all your peers being away at college while you are stuck muddling in the same town you have lived the majority of your childhood…well it was my choice, but I digress. (Where is that from?)

Annie, who alone seems to hold a kindred spirit to mine, agrees in the fun founded in the idea of a picnic. I orginally envisioned a picnic in Longwood Gardens in long, flowly period dresses. A scene from Sense and Sensibility. I quickly learned that Longwood Garden does not allow outside food and there is quite a small chance of actually find wearable clothes at the thrift shops….so the plan had to be altered.

As it now stands it includes somehow borrowing a pavilion, placing it in the backyard and requiring all attendees to wear some sembalance of victorian clothing. Most especially a hat. The list of individuals invited ranges from my peers to the preschool teachers and of course Flan and Lisa. Quite a trip. I see in my mind’s eye the background decorated in lace and flowers, me with an autograph album to sign, petit fours, creampuffs, watercress sandwhiches….you know something out of Anne of Green Gables or the scene that Eliza Fairfox looks down upon in Dr. Doolittle.

But is it achievable? Even at that simplified stage? I would much rather sit directly on the ground, by a lake, being transported to and fro by a horse driven carriage….but romantic pastoral scenes have all but disapeared from reality….even the perfect looking ones in movies are contrived.

I can sympathize with Mrs. Feather, I too would wish to find a Candleshoe. To “discover” one.  Mary’s secret garden, Mandy’s seashell cottage…its not just orphans with no family who wish for their own place to hide. Unfortunately, all those adventures take place in England..America is decidedly unromantic and lacking in hidden paradises.

And even if they were present, there would be no flutes and violins to play in the background, no wooden swing that moves in the breeze, for if there was a swing, it would denote population, and therefore not be the seculded space one would seek. Who cares for the plots of fairy tales, its obvious the storylines could never be true, but most the even the setting only exist in dreams.

You have to create your own paradise. In more than one way.

Tomorrow is Sunday. I’m glad. I’m glad I’m alive. But I wish I could live.

“What do you with yourself, I mean between my opening nights”

“I live”

“Everyone does that!”

“Hardly anyone does. Bvt I do. And on the side I gamble…”