Wasting my life away May 5, 2008

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question.

____________________________________________________

What does next year have in store for me?
Romeo and Juliet (Soo…I find my true love and then die…fun)

What’s my love life like?

For Reasons Unknown (O jeez)

What do I say when life gets tough
As You Wish (Yup…)

What do u think of on waking up?
Til You Come Back to Me

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
The Ballad of Sweeney Todd (Ooo that’s festive)

What do you want as a career?
Holmes in Europe ( Exactly!)

Your favorite saying?
Anything is Possible (That is so not true, I’m a pessimist)

Favorite place?
I’m Still Here (Lol)

What do you think of your parents?
Here I am (sounds like my fave place)

What’s your Pornstar name?
Crush (Ha!)

Where would you go on a first date?
Grey Gardens (but that’s a sad place…)

Describe yourself:
Count Grassi’s Passage over Piedmont (Yup, I like to travel and I want to die on a warm July afternoon lol)

What is the thing i like doing most?
Christ the Lord is Risen Today!

The song that best describes my school principal?
Strollin’ On the Water (Yeah, I doubt it)

What is my state of mind like at the moment?
Ready to Take the Chance Again (more like the opposite, ready to give up again)

How will I die?

God, that’s Good! (Does that mean I’ll get baked into a meatpie!)

Ok, yeah I was bored.

 

May 5, 2008

Isn’t it quite funny how I find myself back here every now and then? When I have nothing else to do and nowhere else to turn. I’m terrified, frightened and scared to death of the future. I don’t want to live with Kris Schill. I’m afraid of her. Of all my teachers, she was the most strict. And I never agreed with a lot of her rules and viewpoints which made them very hard to follow. And now…to go live with her! How could I possibly measure up…how will I ever be good enough.

If this drama has taught me anything it is that I am not perfect. Granted, I already knew that but this enforces it. And its a lesson I don’t like to be taught. I fear that every time someone criticizes me that they hate me for messing up. I am reading a Star Wars book and there was this little segment about how a Jedi always takes advice graciously because it is a chance to learn more, yada, yada. I can never get that into my head. I just think the person is out to get me. But then when they compliment me I think they are either just plain lying or have an ulterior motive. I really have issues.

That lack of self-esteem. O Crankshaw, if you only knew how much I really could use that counseling. I almost wish she wasn’t joking about it. Is it covered in my health benefits? Lol

 

I really need to go to bed. Perhaps it will look better in the morning. Yeah, I’ve been saying that for the last 20 years…

January 14, 2008

Here I am again, not knowing where to turn. I can’t even begin to describe the thoughts and feelings running through my head at the moment. I’m not sure what all of them are. I want to call Flan and cry my eyes out…about everything. About how much I hate work, about dreading school, moving out on my own, how I’m terrified of Bob and Mr. Cook, how I don’t know how to deal with Lindsay and this wedding, I don’t even know how to apply to Rutgers because I’m even such a wuss that I’m scared to call the advisement department of CCC! What did God even waste his time creating such a pathetic creature, its beyond me!

 My stupid Roz mural won’t stay up, well three pieces of it anyway. My laptop is falling apart, my cellphone just died, my car needs work. I need work. Lots and lots of it. Crankshaw doesn’t trust me to teach a class and the other day she reprimanded for something I said.

Flan always has to leave and see her dad. Lindsay is busy with her wedding. Rebekah gets on my nerves. Ilana, Sarah and Amanda won’t answer me. Kelly just left with a promise to actually call me this semester (she won’t). Sara left without saying goodbye.

I have nothing bad to say about Annie and Lori though lol. I just don’t feel much like hanging out with them at the moment, and they are leaving for FL anyway.

And I have always hated DSW, but I’m starting to hate SLPD. Is that possible? Part of me says no, you can’t. The others says, yes, its good for you, you need to move on. Well why didn’t I just stay away! when I was still happy with it…. Why am I never happy?

I’m happy for the half-hour I have Flan to myself but as soon as its over I’m bummed again. A half-hour of happiness a week. Sweet.

And while I’m complaining….why do I always get put on both jobs on Fri? They leave me dry almost all week and then they both want me to work Fri so I end up with a 13 or so hour day….

And then 8 hrs on Sat…I HATE IT! Especially once classes start…but what can I do? I need the money….I need the money. I need all this so I can stay here and have my half an hour of happiness….I work 50 hours a week for that….that one half hour. There is something wrong with this picture. Something terribly wrong

December 16, 2007

i’ve done it. i’ve become a melissa, i’ve complained so much that not even my closest friend will help me. now what am i supposed to do? I need them. i need help, i cant do this all alone i need someone to tlak to someone who understands that i don’t have to explain it all to…..what do i do

December 10, 2007

Go to the Wikipedia home page and click random article. That is your band’s name.
Click random article again; that is your album name.
Click random article 15 more times; those are the tracks on your album.

Band Name: George Nicholas Sanders

Album Name: Brazenhill

1. ACOTA

2. IOSD

3.  Raven-Symone

4. Oakville, Alabama

5. Cifuentes

6. Lydd Air

7. Ernest Lipanesse

8. Vittorio Corbo

9. Ustilago

10. Total Eclispe

11. Gulshan Esther

12. 1962 Pulitzer Prize

13. Gaza People

14. Juliet Winters Carpenter

15. Syberia II

December 3, 2007

Here I am playing the same two Rufus Wainwright songs over and over again. Man! Do I love his voice. And he is so hot….why does he have to be gay! Why does he have to wear high heels and pretend to be Judy Garland lol

I work seven days this week….its going to be a challenge. Somewhere in there I’ll see Flan, don’t know when….I hope I can survive till then. I’ll just have to.

I’m so happy that Lindsay is happy and of course I’m jealous….but not so in the way that I hate her or want anything to happen to her happiness. I just wish i could share it more intimately.

Got sidetracked…now I don’t feel like finishing my thoughts.

November 25, 2007

I am such a mass of contradictions. I blame myself but i don’t want others to blame me.  I want a guy who appreciates me but it gives me the creeps when they compliment me. I have issues.

Major issues.

I can think of nothing else to write.

The End.

November 24, 2007

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Don’t really know what to say. Living for Tuesday. Why does it have to be this way? 

I’m the only person like this. what an odd way to find bliss. there is so much I miss.

Sigh

November 23, 2007

I sat and stared at a blank email page for about half an hour. I wanted soooo bad to write to you. I do need you. And I want to talk to you even more. But I finally closed the window, I don’t want to be bother. Which I most definetly am. But I don’t know what to do without you…I don’t even necessarily want to talk to you…I just want you there. I just want one of those big hugs, they are one of the best things on the planet. It been almost two weeks since I’ve seen you and it will probably be more….I hate it. (&*(&$#@!

I have to go to bed..on the basement floor, yeah that’s where I am sleeping now….I have no room.

Terrified November 13, 2007

I’m scared of the future. What I’m going to be doing 10 years from now, a few months from now, and even what I will have to trudge through tomorrow. I am so tired of it all. Just plain tired. And sick.

Its all back. The leg sores, the mouth sores, the stomach and chest pain, the headaches, my face feelings flushed randomly, the supposed hemorroids. I know everyone wanted to know that. Who am I kidding? No one reads this anyway, that’s for the best. If I thought tons of people did, I wouldn’t be writing this.  My thumb is sore from biting it when my stomach hurts…yeah I know, it doesn’t make a whole lot of scence but I do it anyway.

And I keep telling myself, “It can’t be, it can’t be, it can’t be” Yet every website I bring up….

And Flan got really upset today. She made a stupid mistake, one that didn’t have the best of consequences but one that will be ok. She said, “How in the world did I do that!?!” And I said, “Probably because I’m distracting you. Sorry, I’ll stop talking now” “I was ignoring you anyway.”

I know she was frustrated, and really, I’m not mad at her for saying it, I understand completely. But it just makes me wonder for the umpteenth time if I should just leave her alone. God only knows how many times I’ve tried…and failed. I dn’t know exactly what it is about her….couldn’t really tell you. But I keep coming back.

And I really don’t want to bother her while she is trying to work….I don’t want to be a nuisance, really I don’t but if I don’t stick my head in well, then I’ll loose her. She doesn’t care enough about me to persue it. Dn’t tell me, o Jess but she loves you. Yes she does. But she’s not the kind of person who would run after me, she doens’t need me. I need her.

And she has no time to spare for me, so I grab on to these hour long shots here and there, even if she is working while I talk.

Am I right or wrong in doing that? She is so honest with me in every other area but why do I get the feeling that she isn’t completly truthful when I ask her if I’m bugging her. Is it just me being insecure?

And I think I’m going paraniod…but we are not going to get into that….

I’m so scared of the future…..I hate change.

The only thing constant is change….